Kelly Johnson

Truthfully, I have never been much of the jealous type; I am normally a pretty easy going and content person. However, over this last week, I was definitely getting hit by the jealousy bug over a personal situation in my life.  We all experience jealousy from time to time and it is vital for our mental health to fully acknowledge and address the feeling.   When we feel jealous, we need to observe the feeling in our mind and body without labeling or judging it. When we do not do this, inadvertently the repressed emotions come out in destructive ways, e.g.-disrespect towards the person, weight gain, stomach aches, irritability, insomnia, etc)

Jealousy is a feeling we experience when we are afraid of a perceived loss or when we feel threatened.  This jealousy can be coming from personal, material, emotional, financial, or occupational issues. In order to free ourselves from Jealousy’ bondage, we need to get at the root of it.  To accomplish this, try asking some questions such as; what am I insecure about? What am I afraid of happening? What do I believe I deserve? What do I really want?  Once you understand what this is, choose to overcome the insecurity with a plan.  See how you can see the situation from a place of abundance rather than shortage.  Also, try praying for the person; when we pray, it is remarkable how much the prayer heals our heart in addition to blessing the other person.

I read an excellent article on Jealousy the other day that I wanted to pass on for my readers, that give a plethora of ideas on how to overcome jealousy. Please feel free to check it out by clicking here, I look forward to your thoughts and comments! As always, if you could benefit from out counseling services please call us at 303-481-4229 to set up a no obligation initial consultation

Be Strong and Courageous-

Kelly Johnson, MA, LPC

 In life, sometimes defense mechanisms are healthy because they reduce anxiety, other times they are unhealthy because the existence of a defense mechanism prevent us from dealing with reality.  We exhibit defense mechanism when our beliefs and behaviors are incongruent with one another.  For example, lets say a wife is with her husband who is obviously unfaithful to her.  The wife’s belief may be that she will not stay with a cheater, however her behavior is that she continually chooses to stay with him even though his infidelity is present.   So because her belief and behavior is incongruent, she will exhibit defense mechanisms to turn the anxiety off.  Now, please note, this whole process is mostly sub conscience.  For example, she may justify his behavior, rationalize his behavior, and minimize his behavior.  The problem with defense mechanisms, particularly in this situation is that the anxiety is functioning as a red flag, and the red flag is being ignored. 

Now when this situation comes out in therapy, the client may think that the therapist is pointing out the defense mechanism so the client will leave the husband or force the client to set a boundary with the spouse, and that is not entirely true.  Although ideally, boundary setting may be needed in this situation, if I as the therapist tell my client that over and over again, the client will not feel heard and understood and then will stop coming in.

Each client needs to come to their own understanding of what they need and author their own lives in a way that is meaningful and whole for them.  So as a therapist, my role is to bring up the defense mechanisms, encourage the client to explore how defense mechanisms fit into their own life, and provide support if and when the client decides to engage in behavioral change. 

In conclusion, therapeutic progress in this situation is not necessarily her leaving her husband.  Therapeutic progress is if a client comes into my office and says, “Kelly, I am aware that I am exhibiting all of these defense mechanisms, and he probably is cheating on me, I just don’t have the ego strength, will, or power to leave him now, truthfully, I may never leave him, it would cause to much chaos with our children and family and I don’t want to be seen as a “broken” family.”  Finally, the defenses are coming down and we are being honest, PROGRESS IS MADE!

Here is a list of different defense mechanisms, which ones do you resonate with? 

• Denial: claiming/believing that what is true to be actually false.
• Displacement: redirecting emotions to a substitute target.
• Intellectualization: taking an objective viewpoint.
• Projection: attributing uncomfortable feelings to others.
• Rationalization: creating false but credible justifications.
• Reaction Formation: overacting in the opposite way to the fear.
• Regression: going back to acting as a child.
• Repression: pushing uncomfortable thoughts into the subconscious.
• Sublimation: redirecting ‘wrong’ urges into socially acceptable actions.

If you are interested in our counseling services please call us to set up an appointment at 303-481-4229! 

Blessings-

Kelly Johnson, MA, LPC

Now, before I start to roll with this, let me state a disclaimer.  Sometimes couples get divorced for healthy reasons and both parties realize that there are irreconcilable differences and divorce is the best option.”  Also, let me state that I am not minimizing addictions or other mental health disorders as being strictly selfish.    Now, with all my disclaimers in place let me say this, couples OFTEN will say that there marriage is not working out for the reasons listed above, money, sex, etc, when in actuality it is the “I VS. WE” Battle.  Let me explain further, as human beings we all can be very selfish at times.   When we get married, there is so much joy, love, laugher, butterflies, the whole nine yards, and it feels wonderful.   However, no one realizes that there is a loss going on as well.  There is a time of loss upon marriage, and that is the loss of the I.  Before marriage, we have permission to be selfish; we do things how we want them and when we want them.  We clean up according to our standards, we socialize according to our standards, we fight according to our standards, we pay bills according to our standards, we eat food according to our standards, we communicate according to our standards, and the list goes on and on.  When then get married and there is a genuine loss of that permissiveness to practice our own way 24/7 and we don’t tend to realize that.  So then, we get married, and we bicker, argue, and fight, about countless issues.  And, often times the REAL issue, is not “She did not clean the bathroom, there was still dust all over.”  The real issue is that you are grieving the I vs. the We.” The I says, she must do it until I consider it acceptable,” The We says,  “hmm, she may do it a different way than I do it, and thanks okay” Maybe her way is not wrong, its just different.” 

BOTTOM LINE- we are very selfish as human beings sometimes and we disguise our selfishness our of what appear to be innocent requests, “I just want him to dust and do as good of job cleaning the bathroom as I do”.   When you and your significant other are fighting, ask yourself, “Is this an I vs. the We issue and confess your selfishness and work together to come up with a MIDDLE GROUND.  If you are interested in couples counseling in the Denver or Aurora area please call us today to set up a consultation. 

Every once in a while, I read a blog that is so good it is worth reproducing for the benefit of all society,  Pastor Mark Tidd of Highlands Church Denver wrote an excellent blog the other day  titled, “I got a little bit of ugly on me this week”.  One of the things we all need a little more of as human beings is humility.  We need to know that we don’t have all the answers, we are all hurting, and often times we are flat out wrong.  Marks’ demonstrated humility and humor blended with his excellent advice on communication in relationships makes this an EXCELLENT ARTICLE.  His to the point 6 steps in communication are superb advice for any couple wanting to conflict in a more healthy way.  These steps force us to deal with our own ego of needing to be right and learning the superior skill of learning how to understand.  As you read this article ask yourself the question, how am I doing in the steps with my loved ones?  It takes a lot of practice (and failure).   I would love to hear your thoughts.  If you or a loved one are in need of counseling services to work through communication issues like these, feel free to contact me at www.centerforhealingandchange.com

I got a little bit of ugly on me this week.
 ”One of our staff conveyed a concern about Highlands Church that they had heard this week from a Highlands parishioner. The staff person was discreet and kept the name of the person anonymous but also encouraged the person to share their concern with me directly, and I hope they will. And the staffer was not sharing it as a criticism per se but saying how it revealed what a wide span of theological beliefs are held by many at Highlands. We have folks who were raised in the church since they were a zygote and folks just learning about Jesus for the first time. We have theological conservatives and liberals. And by the grace of God, we have been able to become a church that doesn’t require everyone to believe all the exact same things in order to nurture our union in Christ and pursue together the mission of God to do justice, love kindness and walk humbly with God.
       But on this particular day when I was told this particular concern, I was less than brilliant. If there are 6 steps to hearing concerns or criticism in the right way, I did them all wrong and got some ugly on me. I was a textbook reactionary. Instead of 1) actively listening, 2) asking questions, 3) seeking understanding, 4) clarifying assumptions, 5) discerning what parts of a corrective comment may be right and helpful and 6) being grateful for the chance to grow since “iron sharpens iron.”, I just reacted.
            Reacting is a lot faster than remembering all those steps and being concerned about what the other person is saying. By reacting, I was able to quickly assess that 1) the person was wrong, 2) they haven’t been listening to what I’ve been saying week in and out, 3) they ought to just be profoundly grateful there even is a church like Highlands 4)  who made them the boss of me 5) I have more important things to be thinking about so they should just get over it and if not 6) don’t let the door hit you where the good Lord split you.
            Reacting is not unlike the sick pleasure of feeling sorry for yourself, which, as I pointed out in a message a couple months ago is like wetting your pants in the winter; it’s a very warm feeling for a very short amount of time.
            I apologized to our wonderful staff and I apologize now to whomever the person is who cares enough about our church to say something. And I thank God that through the forgiveness of our sins which we receive through Christ alone, all our ugly can be washed away.”
Grace and peace,

Mark

Thank you Mark for your lessons on life,

Gods Blessings to you~

Kelly Johnson, MA

“You never help around the house”

“Your lazy, we’ll you pick up your things!!!”

“Your driving is horrible, we are going to get into an accident.”

Why do you always go out with your friends, stay here for once and hang out with your family”

Do you see the core issue/feeling that never gets communicated?  Let me name a few, feeling… unimportant, inadequate, judged, unloved, criticized, etc.  However the couples will rarely ever let their partner know that this is how they really feel. 

Like I said, couples fight about topics and rarely identify the real issues.  They get stuck in the blame game and cant get past it to see the real issues in the relationship.  In my work with couples I see a theme running through most relationships.  In most situations, the men in the relationship feel unloved and inadequate and the women feel unloved and unimportant. 

The men always get nagged about not doing enough or doing it the wrong way (inadequacy) and the woman constantly compain about their husbands not “understanding” them, “being there” for them, “listening” to them.  In return the men want to be there for their wives emotionally, but do now know how to(inadequacy).  The women feel unimportant because the husband is not meeting their emotional needs and it appears that everything comes before them.  I always get a sense that couples want me to take sides in counseling, (Tell my partner this is all his fault!), however more and more I realize its not about sides, its about understanding and meeting one another’s needs.   

When we can identify our needs in a relationship and communicate those needs to our partner in a direct way, open communication starts to take place. What are your thoughts?

Disclaimer:  Please know these are generalizations and are not true for all couples. 

Active Listening

Listening to your partner is a skill I teach couples to use before they encounter any problems. There are two types of active listening: silent listening and listening with words. We start out by practicing silent listening first. The drill is for you to listen to each other without saying anything for just one minute each. Once you have mastered that, you can try it for five minutes each. You will not need to do this for the rest of your relationship, only to practice the skill of silent listening. You may want to try this for one week. One partner speaks and the other one listens without distractions. Make eye contact, be present, nod your head, take it all in. Many couples have noticed amazing results from just practicing listening to each other without saying anything!

Next we practice listening with words. This is also very simple. You may want to try it out before you have a disagreement, just for practice. Do the same things you did for silent listening, but now you can say things, like ‘yes,’ ‘go on,’ until you think you understand what your partner has said. Then try to paraphrase what you think you heard and be sure to check to see if you got it right. You may need a few attempts at this. Next, try to imagine what your partner may be feeling and say that to him or her. You don’t have to be a master at this, or be accurate. The point is to make an effort at understanding. Allow yourself to be corrected if you didn’t get it right. Let it sink in.

Here is an example. Partner A says: “I really looked forward to going on that trip.” Partner B, the active listener, says: “You had your heart set on going away. You must be very disappointed.”  Here is another example: Partner A says: “My job is awful. I had one frustration after another all day long.” Partner B, is tempted to say: “Why don’t you get another job,” and wants to make several suggestions, but partner B practices being a good listener and says simply: “You really had a hard day today. You probably feel angry and sad that you have to put up with all that stuff.”

If you still want to give advice or offer helpful suggestions, wait a while until you communicated to your partner that you heard what he or she said and that you understand the problem from your partner’s point of view. The same holds true if you are having a difference of opinion. Before you can state your own point of view, communicate to your partner that you understand where he or she is coming from. That means that you temporarily have to focus on your partner’s side of the argument. You do not have to agree with what your partner says or wants, but you will need to understand your partner’s position in order to communicate effectively.

The second secret in effective couple’s communication is attitude.

Attitude

Picture the following scenario: You see hair in the sink and you think to yourself: “How awful that I have to put up with this mess. I live with someone who just doesn’t care about me! I always have to do everything around here!” How would you feel after entertaining such a train of thought? What kind of attitude would you have?

John Gottman, the famous couples therapist, has an interesting suggestion. He says to look at these small annoyances as evidence that you have someone who loves you in your life whom you love in return. The hair left in the sink is evidence that you are not sad and alone in life. Let’s assume you took that kind of an approach. Would you feel less angry, more accepting? Would your attitude be different?

You can also change your attitude by recalling the many kind things your partner has done for you and by focusing on what you appreciate about him or her.

When you think you have made a successful attitude shift you are in great shape to talk about the problem that seems to be so annoying. You will be able to elicit your partner’s help in finding a solution you can both feel good about.

As a culture we are facing epidemic proportions of low self-esteem.  Most individuals struggle to some extent with depression or low self-esteem.  A lot of us were raised in broken homes where we did not hear that we were loveable.  The truth of the matter is God loves us all so much and we deserve unconditional love.  However, according to our life experiences often we have only been shown conditional love.  This conditional love manifests itself through defensiveness, low self-esteem, shyness, anxiety, and other mental health problems.  You see, the problem with conditional love is that we always have to “earn” or “prove” to people that we are lovable.   I believe the truth can set us free, the truth is God made us, loves us, and has given us many gifts, skills, and talents.    But it all starts with the fact that we are 100% unconditionally loved right where we’re at, quirks and hurts intact.   Nothing can change that!   What are your thoughts?  Who knows, maybe I’m wrong.  Faith is being able to admit your could wrong, faith is just a hunch.    If you are interested in counseling services in Aurora please contact us today for a consultation!

Blessings to you~

1. Daily Journal- do not journal about events, but your emotions regarding different events.

2. Pray

3. Deep Breathing

4. close your eyes and meditate for 10 minutes.

5. Listen to peaceful music

6. Get a massage

7. Utilize meditation

8. Serve

9. Call a best friend and have a heart to heart.

10. Pet an animal, pets are known to reduce significant stress.

11. What are your ideas?  I would LOVE to hear from you!

Kelly Johnson

So with ALL of this being said you can see their lies a huge problem, so how does the depressed person get help?  A treatment plan must be created where they are changing their BEHAVIORS every day.  In doing this the beliefs, and thoughts start to change as well.  For the depressed person, they cannot choose what they will do or not do in a day because of their FEELINGS, feelings come and feelings go.  They need to force themselves our out of the door.  Here is a list of the top 5 things people can do to help them curve their depression.  Please note, this does not substitute regular therapy.  If you are interested in Aurora Depression therapy please contact the Colorado Center for Healing and Change. 

1. Exercise EVERY DAY.

2. Take a multi-vitamin and eat at least 3 well balanced meals per day.

3. Pray/serve in your community- (through prayer and service we get outside of ourselves.  Naturally with depression were focused on our selves, through these 2 acts we get outside of ourselves and think about others needs.  When we do this we typically feel better about our own situations.

4. Journal your feelings and thoughts.

5. Establish healthy relationships and cultivate them regularly (daily!)

Share with me your successes and struggles, I want to hear them!

Be blessed.

Kelly Johnson