About 7 years ago, I invented a new therapeutic strategy called car scream or car talk. You see, we were created to express our emotions, vent, share our insecurities, and sometimes SCREAM really loud, Yahweh gave us the ability to scream for a reason. However, in our passive aggressive world, we are never allowed to scream and we are told that screaming is BAD, (To which I declare BULL-SHIT.) So let me explain to you how car scream and car talk works. For starters, program an alarm that goes off on your phone for 3x a week while you are driving home from work.
Your car is like that of a remote therapy office, you can scream, yell, cuss, cry, say whatever you want to say, and there is NO JUDGEMENT. You see, for all of us, our feelings are like that of a pressure cooker, and when we don’t develop the practice of regularly expressing our emotions every day, our emotions will start to build like that of a pressure cooker and we will start to do other negative habits as a way of dealing with our emotions. e.g; drinking, over-working, maybe exercising too much, using drugs, and/or being mean to other people in our life. Some people may say; exercising is a good thing, what’s wrong with that? When you are using exercise as your only way of dealing with your emotions, if you are married, exercising has become your mistress and your marriage will feel strained because their is no real emotional connection. (btw, a real emotional connection with your spouse may or may not include some good feisty fights from time to time. (all fights are not bad, some are goooooood.)
So, what is the importance of car scream/car talk? To teach you how to be emotionally honest with your own soul.
WE ALL need to learn how to be emotionally honest with our own soul.
With car talk/scream this is how it works, you set your phone alarm to go off at the exact same time you would normally be starting to drive home from work. So, if your drive home is 20 minutes, you would do this exercise for 20 minutes 2-3x week. When the alarm goes off, that means you probably just got in your car for your drive home. Take out a little notepad that you leave in your car and jot down the first 5 things that are on your mind that are bothering you, hurting your feelings, or stressing you out. Also, write down people’s names that you feel like you need to confront or talk to (be 100% emotionally honest.) I am going to show you an example from a make believe female client that is in her mid 40’s and married.
Shelby: for car scream she writes down; my husband frank, conflict, sexual relationship, co-worker sally, co worker sarae, friend lanna, brother bobby. So, for the next 20 minutes she is instructed to take this list and go through it one by one and yell, scream, cuss, and be 100% HONEST about everything that comes to mind. When I do this exercise with my clients, normally at first I will do the first one with them and I will pretend to be them, its an incredibly vulnerable exercise and there are normally a lot of tears. The goal is to be 100% uncensored, so here is Shelby’s car talk/car scream.
FUCK YOU FRANK, fuck you frank, screaming, fuck you frank, I fucking hate you. fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you
screaming, I hate you. Why don’t you ever care about my emotions? Except for when you want to have sex.. then you start acting like your really curious, because you know how I work. YOU ARE SO FUCKING FAKE!!!! YOU HAVE NEVER CARED ABOUT MY EMOTIONS, it was all bull-shit.. bull shit. fucking bull shit. fuck you. fuck off.
When I do this exceroze in the office, I would instruct her to keep saying these things over and over again until she felt like the emotion passed and she felt a feeling of relief. This dialogue would probably last about 5-10 minutes. If she has not experienced a feeling of relief, she should NOT move onto the next topic/person.
Sally, you need to learn how to confront me! fuck. I can tell you are so pissed at me because my performance at work is slow, but you are just irritated all the fucking time, your annoyed, short, distant, but yet you will never confront me. never. never. never. never. fuck you. fuck you . fuck you. Just tell me, Shelby, you are really slow with your reports and you are not measuring up to what is expected of you, you NEED to get your typing rate up to 75 wpm by the start of the next month, otherwise I will have to can you. Speak the truth to me, I can handle it. I need to hear it. badly.
I know my performance sucks. Sarae, stop being so fucking spiritual around me, no offense, but I’m not your religion, I’m agnostic, and I find it really did-respectful when you talk about god all the time. Do you have any idea how disrespectful that is?
Do you even have the faintest idea HOW DIS-RESPECTFUL THAT IS?! It is
How would you feel if I talked your head off about agnosticism and I gave you 30 minutes of unsolicited advice about it? I bet that would drive you bat shit crazy…… Hmmm, that’s probably how I feel. lanna, I fucking hate how FAKE you are ALL THE FUCKING TIME… You are FAKE all the time. You disrespect me and dislike me and you will not tell me that, that pisses me off. I fucking haaaaaaate how fake you are
all the time
Can you stop being so fucking HAPPY ALL THE TIME that shit isn’t real. just be you. be sad sometimes. be really depressed sometimes. be insecure sometime.. pain is good, pay attention to it. Bobby, for the last 5 years I have hated having a relationship with you. you never ask me questions about myself, you monopolize the conversation, and you are just flat out 100% selfish.. yuck.. Honestly, I don’t want to have a relationship with you anymore.
There you have it, car scream. It’s not the real deal, because I never type my car scream with clients, but you can get the picture. Try it on yourself, I think you will like it. Learning to be emotionally honest with your own soul is imperative. Do you see how I cussed a lot doing car scream? Why so? Because most people cuss in their mind a lot, but never cuss out-loud. So if I am trying to get you to become emotionally honest, I must get you to do some cussing while your doing your car scream. Of course, if you don’t cuss in your thoughts, don’t do it in car scream. The goal with this is to get your REAL THOUGHTS OUT OF YOUR HEAD and in the process you are learning how to be emotionally honest with your own soul.
Also, doing car talk regularly for 3 months can also have a huge positive effect on healing your marriage. Why? Because people will turn their spouse into their own personal emotional stomping grounds or their car talk/car scream and that IS NOT FAIR TO YOUR SPOUSE. You need to learn how to be honest with your own soul first, before you can learn how to express yourself yourself emotionally with your spouse.
In closing up shop here tonight, let me leave you with an excellent marriage communication strategy. If you want to improve your communication with you spouse tenfold, try this exercise. Let’s say, you are furious at your spouse and you need to talk to her/him. Before you attempt to have this conversation, do car scream first, get evvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvverything out during car scream. Then, when you actually go up to your spouse to have this conversation, you will be able to HAVE A MUCH BETTER CONVERSATION and you will be much more effective at communicating because you were able to take “the pressure valve off emotionally speaking” by doing car scream first. Goodnight, sorry no recipe for tonight, I’m pretty tuckered and my bed is calling my name.
© Kelly Johnson