Colorado Center For Healing And Change

I have always said tha marriages take hard work, and they do.  Sometimes we get frusterated becomes things dont feel the same, the spark fades, and frankly…. the sex is boring.  Purposeful flirting even when you are not “feeling” it can be extremely powerful in a marriage.  Remember, feelings come and feelings go, so flirt despite what you are feeling.  Sometimes in marriages like in life, for success to happen you have to “fake it until you make it.”  So flirt away and dont expect anything back for awhile.  Wait and see what happens.  If you need a refresher course on how to flirt, check out this article listed below!

http://www.wikihow.com/Flirt

If your relationship is in needing of some rejuvinating, check out more about our relationship counseling services on the services page.  We would love to serve you!

Aurora Counseling

 Often times in couples counseling I tell the couples that marriage get worse before it gets better.  In the counseling office often times there is trust there and for the first time the couples feels comfortable to take their masks off.  When this happens, secrets come out and other hidden agendas come out that can be extremely hurtful.  Couples wear their masks and play the games so well that when they come into my office there are presenting as strangers.  When I address a hidden agenda or a secret I will hear from one partner, “well that is nothing, I just hid the fact that I went out with a couple of friends.”  What the lie is about is not the issue in this situation, the issue is that their is hiding there.  When we feel a need to hide from our partner we are not allowing ourselves to be fully known.  Just the notion that secrets are there sheds light on the hidden nature of the relationship and the need for authenticity.  Something to think about as you go through out your day.  If you are looking for aurora counseling services please feel free to peruse this site for more information.  We would love to serve you!     I look forward to your comments

In couples counseling, alot of dysfunction comes from the same source.  Do you know what that source is?  Yes, you are correct- secrets, lies, and hidden agenda’s.  Often times couples will fight about different topics but there are deeper issues at bay that never get discussed.   The best thing that you can do for your relationship is get all of the secrets out of the way  (This is often best done through therapy).  Now, this is not an excuse for being disruptive or rude and their still needs to be discernment with what you share.  But this does provide an opportunity to let your partner know what is really going on.  Sometimes in couples counseling, the relationship needs to get worse before it gets better.  Because in counseling, the truth is shown in the relationship for the very first time, this results in increased negative energy and pain.  It is not that the relationship is clearly getting worse, it is just that the darkness is being shown in the relationship and it will take time to heal.  If you feel a need to keep secrets in your relationship, ask yourself the question why?   Let me know what your thoughts are. 

 If you are needing help getting the secrets out in a healthy way consider couples counseling, sometimes a 3rd party can make all the difference. 

Kelly

As a school counselor I see a lot of bullying going on.  It seems like in middle school bullying, clicks, and gossip are such huge problems.  With bulling I have learned that it rarely gets better by just punishing the one who bullies.  To intervene effectively the bullymust feel the emotional pain of his victim.  Asking questions like, “what do you think it feels like to get bullied?” Have you even been bullied?”  Why do you bully?”  How does it make you feel when you bully”  Wow, this boy said, that his life has been horrible since the bullying started, how does that impact you?”  All of these questions attack the root of the problem with bullying.  For the bully, there is either an over-confidence problem or the polar opposite, no confidence.  Provide an environment for your child where they feel comfortable talking to you about what is going on at school.  If your son or daughter is bullying, listen to your teachers, talk to your student regularly and hold you child accountable for treating individuals with respect and dignity.

Well, September is fast approaching.  I love the fall, there is nothing better than the crisp air, the changing leaves, apple cider, pumpkins, hoodies, and a cup of warm soup by the fire on a cool night.  As a kid, we would gather the leaves up every fall and get our mini trampoline out, and jump into the leaves, mind you our leaf pile was about 5 feet high.  Hmmm….  It puts a smile on my face just thinking about it. 

*Please note, this blog has some spiritual/religious undertones to it.  These are simply some opinions of the writer, read at your own leisure. *

For today I would like to talk about selfishness, a cultural epidemic in my opinion.   I believe by nature we are all selfish.  Now, not to sound negative here, I don’t think it is always a bad thing, our selfishness often leads to goal setting which is a good thing, but it needs to be put into perspective.   If you think you are struggling with selfishness here are 2 excellent ways to get outside of yourself and bless others.  The irony in this is that the more we bless others, the happier we are.  The more we succumb to our selfish ways, the unhappier we are.   The first step in overcoming selfishness is to admit to close friends and family that you struggle with selfishness.  Next, try on these exercises on for size and see what you think. 

Prayer

Prayer is an excellent way to get outside of yourself and bless others.  Lets say you are sick and tired of your spouses’ lazy ways, instead of nagging for them to change, try praying for them daily.  Surrender that person to God and give up control.  Because we all know that we can not change people and people have to change for themselves, surrendering that person to God is a great way to practice saying, not my will, but your will, Lord.  Often times, we think we know what is best for us better than God does.  When I have been consistent in my own prayer times, praying for my spouse, friends, family, co-workers, and my child regularly I realize that I am more content with my life and my perspective on life changes.

 Giving

Giving is also an excellent cure for selfishness; there is a scripture that states, “Where your money is your heart is”. How and what we spend our money on, shows where our priorities are.  God knows this, so he asks us in scripture to tithe on our income.  Now, I don’t think this is a legalistic number in that 10 is the magic number. However, I do think that God knows we can easily base our identity on money, which comes and goes. So through the practice of giving, we surrender some of what he has already has given us.  Through giving we are given the opportunity to break the bondage to materialism, wealth, and the “more you have the happier you will be” phenomenon.  Now, please know, I don’t think wealth is a bad thing, I think wealth can be used for a lot of good, but if our heart is solely in our wealth I think that is a sad misfortune.  Well I would love to hear your thoughts on your own journey.  How do you work through selfishness?   Well, I’m off and away for now, have a blessed day.

 Kelly Johnson

Giving our children unconditional love is is one of the biggest gifts we can give them.  When someone truly knows they are loved they then carry that love and confidence with them through out their life, which allows them to face their personal limitations and obstacles easier. They can take an honest look at their strengths and shortcomings and be able to assimilate these into their personality.  A lot of us were not shown unconditional love as a child.  Some of us were only given love for performance or perfection, and some of us were really not shown any emotional love.  How does this affect someone’s identity?  Hugely.  When someone was not given unconditional love as a child they have an extreme difficulty with being able to look at their shortcomings, they also express difficulty in being able to admit their needs because their emotional needs were ignored growing up.   They also have difficulty expressing emotions because to express emotion indicates that the person needs another person.  Additionally, as a child, if every time the kid got sad and the parent said, “stop being sad, I’ll give you something to be sad about.”  Well, that shows that feelings are not allowed, so if you have feelings than shut them off. 

 For individuals that grew up in a critical family where love was earned not freely given, please know this.  You are loved, just the way you are.  You do not have to prove you are love worthy.  Additionally, to admit faults, does not mean you are unlovable or a bad husband/wife/person, etc, all it means is that you are human, we all make mistakes.   Often times in counseling I help people grieve the father or mother wound.  We all know our parents loved us, however some parents were not able to meet our emotional needs like we needed.  So grieving the parent wound allows us to acknowledge that our needs were not met and we can surrender and release that hurt.  Let me know your thoughts on this issue, I am curios what you all are thinking.  I am off to Lake Tahoe for the weekend for a conference; hopefully it will be a rejuvenating time!  If you are wanting to work through these issues through counseling please peruse this site for more information. 

Blessings and Peace be with you!

KJ

What is miscommunication?  Miscommunication is defined as when the givers’ message, the intent does not match with the receivers impact.   Let me explain further.  The intent is what the giver was intending to communicate.  After the giver sends his message it goes through his filter of life experiences and memories and also through the other persons filter of life experiences and memories and then it goes into the receivers mind and has an impact.  When the intent of the message is not matched with the impact, miscommunication happens.   The miscommunication gets worse when the parties involved do not talk about what the original intent was.  Good communication can happen when we begin to have conversations with our loves ones that start with, “How did you interpret that?” or “How did that make you feel?” or “Did that make sense to you?”  When these words are spoken a couple can clarify what was said and whether or not the intent of the message was matched with the impact.  

Try this exercise on for size with your own partner and see what you think.  If you can not do it alone and feel like couples counseling could help, peruse our website for more information on getting the help you need.  I look forward to your thoughts!  

I would like to share some thoughts with you all on anger.  Anger is the emotion we feel when something good (a relationship) is being threatened by something bad (a lie).  That was just an example.  Often times people struggle with anger because they do not allow themselves to fully feel their real emotions.  Feelings of frustration, annoyance, jealousy, inferiority, loneliness, depression, inadequacy, and anxiety are normal, we ALL feel them.  However, for most individuals the only two states of mind they feel comfortable to express might be “life is good” and “I’m upset”.   There is no freedom to express the wide array of emotions that we feel as human beings.  So what ends of happening in relationships is one partner will feel something and stuff it, acting like it’s not there.  They continually stuff their emotions and then the original feeling may transition from something of a little annoyance/ inferiority to outrage and anger because the original emotion was not expressed appropriately.  I often hear wives say, “my husband blew up out of know where, he is crazy!”  Ladies, it did not come out of know where and he is NOT crazy, he is just not sharing with you those other vulnerable emotions.  It is imperative for our mental health and for the quality of our relationships to open up our inner lives to those that are closest to us.  For some people this is extremely foreign and they are not comfortable with it.  Take a risk and reap the rewards.  To get started you may want to find a feeling sheet from the internet to use as a guide.  Look to that for ideas on how to share with your significant other what is really going on.   All for now-  I’m getting pretty tired, have a good night everybody! 

Kelly J

For a lot of couples, destructive communication comes out of a desire for honest communication.  I will often hear things like, “Well, shouldn’t I be honest with her?”  Or “He needs to know how I feel, I can’t keep it all bottled in!”   In John Ghottmans book, A Guide to Communication he illustrates four constructive and destructive ways of working through conflict.  Conflict is inevitable in marriage; however how a couple goes about the conflicting can either move the couple towards healing or destruction.  Here are four destructive methods of dealing with conflicts that are seen frequently in couples and the alternatives to these to try in your own relationship.

1. Character assassination: Attributing bad or insulting characteristics or qualities to your spouse. For example “you are lazy, you are an insensitive person!”  Instead of this, talk specifically about the behavior hat you want changed.”  Honey, I would like you to ask me for my opinion on where we should eat dinner” or “Honey, could you help me clean up the house for 15 minutes a night before we go to bed.” 

2. Insults: Here one partner calls the other partner different names that hurt his or her feeling such as “you are a failure” or “you are selfish!”  Instead of this state specifically what your spouse does, in which specific situations, and how it makes you feel such as “Honey, when you don’t wear a shirt at the table I feel like you don’t think I am special”.

3. Kitchen Sinking: Here, one partner uses complaints on many issues all at once to express their total exasperation.  Example- “I’m upset about your laziness, your job situation, our sex life, and you selfishness with the kids.”  This is counterproductive because there in no solution to all of these problems. Instead of complaining about all topics at once the individual must pick ONE topic at a time to address and work at solving.

4. Cross-Complaining: This is where both couples go back and fourth and do not truly listen to what the other person is saying.  They are not listening; they are just waiting for their turn and building up mental ammunition in their head to launch back at their partner when they are done.

So, with these in mind, please try the alternatives this week. The alternatives will lead to more open communication, healthier conflict, and a renewed sense of closeness in the relationship.

So today is July 5th, I’m one day late on this blog…  But I would like to write on FREEDOM.  On July 4th every year we realize again and again that our right to freedom was NEVER free and thousands of soldiers gave up their life to give us that right,  On a day like this, I find myself feeling thankful and yet I also know that I often take advantage of my freedom.  How often do I wake up on a Sunday and Praise God thanking Him that I can worship freely?  How often do I get up to go for a walk in my neighborhood and have a time of thanks for safety.  How often do I realize that everybody in this country can have their own opinions with out being condemmed, ridiculed, or even stoned.  Take some time today to honor the soldiers who gave us this right, our lives would not be the same without them.  A question for all of my readers-  What did you think about on the 4th of July?  What does the holiday mean for you?  I look forward to your answers!

Kelly Johnson