Center For Healing & Change

Depression is caused my multiple factors including but not limited to:  Self Talk, Lack of Exercise , Toxic Relationships, Isolation, and Lack of Work or Meaningless Work.  All research shows that work provides individuals with a sense of meaning, fulfillment, improved self esteem, and also a support system.   When we work in a setting whereby our gifts, personality, and our natural wiring is taken into consideration, we flourish.  Often times people will report feeling like a failure at work and are left to think that they are a failure.  However, its not an identity issue, aka “I’m a Failure” its normally an issue whereby the individual is not working in a setting that caters to how their wired, their passions, individual gifts, and personality.  If you would like some “passion” counseling to figure out what your passion is please call the Center for Healing and Change to learn about our career counseling services!  HAVE A GREAT DAY!!!

The Colorado Center for Healing and Change offers Denver Depression Counseling, for more information on these services please click here. Depression is largely reinforced by our thoughts, feelings and behaviors.  When we have a thought, “No one likes me, that girl looked down because she thinks I’m lame!”  that :Automatic Thought” creates a feeling (rejection, inadequacy, anger)  which in turn creates our behaviors.  (Isolation, withdrawal, etc)  This cycle happens over and over again, which then reinforced that the Automatic Thought is TRUE!  However, the initial automatic thought is based off of a cognitive distortion which is based off of our CORE BELIEF.   Denver Depression Counseling at the Center for Healing and Change addresses these issues with our THOUGHTS, FEELINGS, AND BEHAVIORS along with our cognitive distortions and core beliefs.  When we can become aware of these beliefs, bringing them from the subconscious to the conscious than we can start the heal and create more balanced beliefs.

As parents we often feel perplexed on what it means to be a “good enough” parent. Truthfully, We will all make a plethora of mistakes as parents; we may spank out of anger, loose our cool, enable or spoil, ignore our children’s feelings, or just simply put our needs first and not get into our children’s world enough. However, thank God, we do not need to be a perfect parent, the reality is we just need to be “a good enough” parent for our children to thrive in life.  So, with that being said; what is “a good enough parent”?   A Good Enough Parent strives to:

1. Teach and Practice Consistency with Discipline.   For the record, “good enough parents” struggle with being consistent, where as the ineffective parent does not do any discipline or does way too much discipline.  (Discipline is not to be confused with punishment, Discipline is rooted in the word disciple, meaning guide, direct, instruct, teach, and encourage, where as punishment implies punitive, anger, and shame.  We need to give consequences without becoming punitive.
2. Teach and Show Empathy for feelings.  Give empathy when they feel sad, lonely, insecure, etc.  This will help in creating children that are emotionally healthy.  If you are disconnected from your own emotions, do a little work on emotional intelligence or seek out some therapy sessions.  This is not to be confused with letting your children manipulate you by their feelings. Case in point, my daughter the other day ran to the doorbell to greet someone one and when she opened the door, she looked at the person and then walked away. When I approached her about behavior, she said, “well, mom, I’m shy, I don’t just know how to talk to people.” So I said, “honey, you can feel shy and awkward  sometimes mom feels like that, however feelings of shyness are no excuse for rudeness, you still need to show respect  irregardless of your feelings.”  For the record, my daughter does not have a shy bone in her body, but she does have a manipulative bone that says “Momma, I’m not rude, just shy!”     YEAH RIGHT!!  ;)
3. Teach Social Skills and Manners.  It is important that we teach our children how to socialize with others; this includes listening,saying sorry, asking for what we need, sharing, and working through conflict with friends.
4. Teach Hard work and Perseverance  in the Face of Failure.  Children need to be taught to no give up in the face of failure.  Yet they also need to be taught that once in a while it is not only okay, but  it may be healthy to quit or give something up because it means their listening to their inner voice.  For example, a child has a bad soccer game and runs home and says “I’m done, I hate soccer!”  If the parent gives into this emotion and lets the kiddo quit, we are teaching the child that anytime they have a negative experience they can just quit.  Rather than that, we want to teach our child perseverance through failure as feelings of failure and rejection are a normal part of life.  So instead, say “Honey, I know you feel bad about yourself because you didn’t do well today but yet we will all fail in life at times with sports, school, etc.  Instead of quitting, I need you to work through this feeling.  The most successful people in life are people that let themselves fail and keep pushing on.   Lets finish this season off, if after the season is over, you would still like to quit because you just don’t like it, maybe we can a break from the sport or try something different.”  In this latter situation, they would not be quitting because of a feeling of failure after a couple games, it may be more that the sport does not fit their personality and they came to that conclusion on their own.

Thanks for listening, what are your thoughts?  For more information on Family Counseling in Denver click here.

Kelly Johnson MA, LPC

Do you feel like there is something wrong with your relationship  but cant seem to nail it down?   Perhaps, your prince charming looks perfect on paper, however there is just this deep feeling that SOMETHING IS NOT RIGHT with the relationship?   Look no further for some answers, as a rule of thumb ALWAYS FOLLOW YOUR GUT INSTINCT WHEN IT COMES TO RELATIONSHIPS, choose people to be in your life who are emotionally safe.   (or at least aim a couple people that are emotionally safe!)

Emotional Safety Spectrum

March Monthly Newsletter!

Center For Healing and Change 3090 S JAMAICA CT SUITE 101 Aurora, Colorado 80014720-204-8747Schedule Now In this Issue: Is There Science Behind Marriage Satisfaction? When Do You Know It’s Time to Call it Quits Or Take a Break From Therapy? Greetings from the Colorado Center for Healing and Change!I will be sending out monthly newsletters with words of wisdom, humor, blogs, business tidbits, and other trinkets of knowledge to help you enjoy your life now, relationally, emotionally, spiritually, and vocationally.For all of those that are doing couples therapy with me, I will be implementing more of a scientific approach to couples therapy called “Emotionally Focused Therapy”, read more about this groundbreaking therapeutic model by clicking here.  If you would like to start benefiting in your relationship with utilizing EFT skills and strategies, please start reading the book, “Safe Haven Marriage”as I will be implementing these concepts into couples therapy more and more. (Disclaimer, this author does indicate some references to faith, and has a Christian background that he brings into the book from time to time) I also wanted to discuss the issue with TRANSITION OR TERMINATION with therapy.  This can feel sticky for client and counselor alike.    How do you go about it?  Do you formalize the end of the relationship?  Do you say your out of money?  Do you say you just hit a halt and would like to take a break?   This does not have to be an awkward process, I always encourage clients to be HONEST AND IMMEDIATE, as this will only help their therapy process.  So, if your feeling stuck, SHARE,  if your out of money, SHARE, If the therapist is not working for ya, SHARE, if you would like to end therapy because you reached you goals, fair enough, my door is always open later on.   Do you see a theme here???   This aspect of the relationship with client and counselor reinforces the importance of creating a “Culture Of Feedback” within therapy, please read more about this concept here.  This also feels touchy, because the client and counselor can get very close in the therapy process and both can feel emotions regarding the continuation or termination of therapy.  However, in the end, its ultimately the therapists’ ethical responsibility to support and advocate for the clients best interest at ALL times. In closing, I want to give a big shout out and thank you to my clients, thank you for your courage, thank you for bearing your soul to me and trusting me with the deepest parts of yourself.    I am very thankful for the work I get to do each day.     Farewell, have a good week! Warm Regards,   Kelly Johnson, MA, LPC www.centerforhealingandchange.com

OVER DUE FEES?  CREDIT CARD BILLS? BORROWING FROM FAMILY MEMBERS TO GET BY?  SAYING A PRAYER THAT YOU WILL CLEAR FOR THIS MONTH?

Do you relate with these statements?

Money problems are all around us, I can not begin to tell you how many clients I work with, couples and individuals alike, have secondary issues related to money! (maybe 80%, and that’s just the % of clients that are actually honest!)  The primary issue is normally related to Depression, Anxiety, Marital Issues, however the money issue normally gets brought into the picture!   I have money issues too, my issue is that I can not keep to an organized budget to save my life, I’m a work in progress in this area.   However, my saving grace is that every bill I have is on automated payments and I always spend less than I make, which allows a good amount of breathing room for saving and investing. (but I would not recommend this system to anybody!) The reality is,  money is an idol in our culture, we are so tempted to believe that the green dollar will make us happier, more beautiful, more content.   However, it never does, at least not permanently.    Most people are in denial of their money problems, wanting to pass the blame on somebody else.  Yet, we will never get better with our finances, unless we start getting REAL with ourselves.  (You know the saying, when your pointing your fingers at someone else, you have 4 fingers pointing back at you!)

All research shows that our financial health is directly relates to our mental health.  As human brings we are multidimensional, everything is RELATED; heart, mind, body, soul, and even our $$$.  Often times we have unhealthy financial habits, because our spending is our “idol” or our “addiction”.  Instead of going to drugs, sex, alcohol, exercise, or other outlets, we numb out with a little (or shall I say A LOT) of retail therapy.   So we hit the door running to the nearest shopping mall with the hopes of feeling better, the feel better part does happen temporarily, however low and behold the unresolved issues ALWAYS creep back into our life.

So first and foremost,  instead of  going to retail therapy (which is quite fun I must admit, and perfectly okay sometimes!) or reading another financial book to no avail, I challenge you to try professional therapy with a Licensed Mental Health Therapist to work through issues specifically related to your finances, self esteem, addictions, etc.  Now, If your on the other side of the fence and feel like you have sorted through these issues, here are my favorite financial authors, budgeting websites, and other nuggets of wisdom to help you along your way!   Truly, financial peace is the BEST gift that you can give yourself, genuine peace of mind is unlike anything else that you could ever buy in a store.     Good Luck!

www.thenewfrugalmom.com

www.suzeorman.com

www.couponing.com

http:www.frugalmom.net/blog

www.daveramsey.com

www.mint.com

Awkward, uncomfortable, touchy…

These are all words that can be used when we  have the conversation with our parents regarding their end of life plans.  When our parents start aging we need to be able to have these frank conversations with them about their finances, end of life plans, aging difficulties, etc.  However, often times these conversations are the brunt of many conflicts with the end result, our parents feeling  patronized and ridiculed.  Here are some helpful tips and websites to keep in mind as you have that difficult conversation!  With the end result hopefully being,  we can keep our sanity and they can keep a sense of dignity and pride! 

http://www.havingtheconversation.com/conversations.html

http://mindacutcher.com/are-you-avoiding-that-difficult-conversation-with-your-aging-parents

http://www.aplaceformom.com/blog/tips-for-tough-talks-with-aging-parents/

AD/HD is a neurobehavioral disorder that is characterized by either significant difficulties of inattention or hyperactivity and impulsiveness or a combination of the two.  AD/HD can cause significant problems in school, relationships, and vocational.  The manifestations of AD/HD can include:

• Persistent disorganization
• Lack of Focus/Inability to concentrate
• Forgetfulness
• Inability to complete boring tasks unto completion
• Hyperactivity, appears to run by a motor
• Daydream, become easily confused, and move slowly
• Have difficulty processing information as quickly and accurately as others
• Struggle to follow instructions

A proper diagnosis is imperative in the treatment of AD/HD and medication combined with AD/HD coaching can be extremely effective in teaching children and adults the skills necessary so they can live fulfilling and successful lives.  AD/HD Coaching can help someone improve their day to day organization, concentration, time management skills, interpersonal skills, and overall feeling of success academically, socially, and vocationally.  In addition to the limitations of AD/HD, the research coming out now also shows that individuals with AD/HD also have these collective positive attributes as well.

• The uncanny ability to think outside of the box (excellent small business owners because of this!!)
• Excellent Conversationalist
• High Motivation and Drive
• Intuitive
• High Energy

So, the next time you think of AD/HD, don’t just think about the limitations, think about the positive attributes as well!  Please read these links below for more information and please contact me if you would like to inquire regarding some coaching, I would love to work with you!

http://voices.yahoo.com/living-adult-adhd-embrace-positive-are-2185019.html

http://www.additudemag.com/adhd/article/8947.html

http://www.additudemag.com/adhd/article/8947.html

HONESTY  in a relationship is of the utmost importance, but all too often we sacrifice honesty for “image and status control” in our relationships.  We live a double life of what people on the outside think (fantasy) and who we truly ARE on the inside (reality).  When we do this we are only lying to ourselves first and foremost and our personal integrity goes down the drain.   For some people, the fantasy is so much more comfortable than reality, so we continue living in the fantasy.   As human beings, we are afraid of exposure and being found out, however for true healing to take place, exposure is the best medicine.  Look in your relationship and be HONEST about any half truths or lies that you are living out.    For a more complete list of how different types of lies distort reality click here, although this article focuses on individuals with borderline personality disorder and narcissistic personality disorder, it can be applied to all individuals.   We can be honest about our struggles without going to shame, in other words just because you may struggle with pathological lying does not mean your a bad person, be honest about your lying, now thats a start right?!    Have a good weekend!

I provide  a fair amount of parenting counseling and coaching in my private practice and I have seen some interesting dynamics with parenting that I would like to share.  Shame is a universal feeling that results from a blend of emotions such as  failure, inadequacy and/or defectiveness.  As a parent, if I am like most parents, when I feel inadequate in my parenting skills instead of owning my inadequacy and developing skills to become a more effective parent, I will be tempted to blame my parenting issues on my children or pathologize my children, e.g- “They just have conduct disorder, AD/HD or sensory integration issues, its a brain thing. “  or I will disconnect from my emotions (inadequacy) because their too painful and I will turn a blind eye to their behavioral issues and become overly permissive and enabling which in turn creates more troublesome behavior.  Now, please hear me loud and clear, child hood issues are complex in nature, and often times children DO absolutely fit the criteria for AD/HD, Conduct Disorder,  etc and treatment, proper nutrition, and/or medication can be very effective!  However, I think sometimes these labels are put on children as a diagnosis when the real issue is a lack of parenting skills.  For example, if a child does not have consistent limits and expectations on behavior, our children may FREAK OUT every time we change their clothes because they do not like how the “fabric” feels, they will try to manipulate us that it feels horrible and they just cant stand it!   With this scenario, Please do not automatically think, “oh my, they may have sensory integration issues!!”  They very well could have sensory integrations issues or it could be just a typical kiddo tantrum, manipulative tactic,  and/or a spoiled behavior.   Once the child gets what they want with this behavior, e.g-a different outfit, this behavior is reinforced and they will continue with this behavior because it was rewarded.    As parents we need to have discernment to know the difference on when were being manipulated and when there may be a legitimate childhood disorder.

As parents, we all have a hard time saying “I lack parenting skills!”  But, please hear me loud and clear, a lack of parenting skills is not an identity issue, aka “I’m a bad parent!” its just a behavior issue, “I’m just lacking some skills, I can learn new skills!”  We all struggle with parenthood, me included, and the best thing we can do is to educate ourselves and admit out mistakes.   Here are some parenting resources to help you along your way.  As always, feel free to comment, weather you agree or disagree, I look forward to your thoughts

Love and Logic Parenting Books

Parenting 123

Emotionally Unsafe Characteristics in Relationship (Disclaimer- I use this worksheet with couples and although some of these DO NOT pertain to parenting, some of these do and we need to be “emotionally safe” with our children, otherwise they will in turn learn the same emotionally unsafe characteristics.

Many Blessings~

Kelly Johnson, MA, LPC