Hey Ya’ll! I’m back 🙂 So I have taken about a week break from blogging and it is unbelievable to me how much writing helps my overall mood. I have much better days and I am in a waaaaaaaaay better mood when I write every day. I guess writing is my prozac, so, for my sake and my children’s sake, it’s probably best that I blog 3-4x week. So, what is the topic for tonight’s blog? Let’s talk about humility.
Can I make a confession to you?
I lie a lot.
and I don’t like it, every time I do it, I kinda cringe on the inside…
(and you do too probably.)
Every time someone asks me; how are you? And I respond with an auto-pilot “good”, I’m lying. Every time I people-please, I lie. Last weekend I was at the beach and a kid came up to me and asked me; Do you like kids? To which I responded; “certainly.” I was lying, it’s not that I flat out don’t like kids, I do like kids, but I also think that a high percentage of children in 1st world countries struggles with entitlement/spoiledness and so it’s fair to say that I kinda have a sour attitude towards a lot of kids.
My daughter is in the 4th grade at Black Forest Hills Elementary School and she has pretty much had the same group of friends since the 1st grade. There is one girl in particular out of this group that has always stood out to me as being genuine and kind. Every time I hear my daughter talk about this friend, I always blurt out, you should have a play date with her! I feel like our world is starving for people who are KIND. 🙂 I would love to go up to her parents and say; “You have done an amazing job as a parent, well done.” But, I’m sure if I did, she would most definitely think; “you don’t know me as a parent.” But the truth is, I do. When a child is kind, most often that is evidence of a really good Mom and/or Dad.
Anyways, side story. Back to the beach! So, this kid asked me; do you like kids? To which I lied and responded; “certainly”, then I thought about what I had said and realized, that was a lie, you like some kids and other kids drive you nuts! So, I preceded to say to him, “I like kids who are humble.” To which he said; helpful? and I said “no, humble” and he said, what’s that?
What is THAT?!
and I responded in my head; WHAT the HE double hockey sticks!? How can you not know what HUMBLE is?
When he said that, something dawned on me. I do like kids who are humble, but no
no kids even know what humble means today.
I wonder what would happen if we gave a two-question quiz to every graduating senior in high school with the questions;
What is Humility?
What does it mean to be humble?
I am really curious what these students would say.
Humility is the BEST Quality in the Whole World! (and it seems like
humble, at least I cant find anyone.)
True story, if I had a friend come up to me and say; honestly, I’m really bad at parenting, I’m just clueless, I love my kids, but I have no clue what I am doing? Would you help me? That person would probably be my new favorite person in the whole world. You see, humility is so attractive! I would looooooooooooooooooooooooove to be around them all the time. (take that with a grain a salt, maybe once a week.) I wish I had a parent in my own life who I trusted enough as a parent to be able to say that to and I would knowingly be able to get good advice from.
I would rather hang out with a parent like that any day vs. a parent that acts like they have all their shit together and their just good at hiding their shit, that’s all. Don’t be impressed by that, not even for a day, 99% of the time, it’s just a show and that “I’m the best mom show” that they put on, is their sin, not yours. You who are honest about how much your life is a train wreck has far less sin than the parent who is in denial about their life or how bad of a parent they are, even though everybody in their life and then some probably thinks they’re the best parent ever! These people feel a need to put on the “I’m the best mom show” to overcompensate for their failures, insecurities, and inadequacies.
Word to the wise, if this is you, give up the mom show, face your insecurities, face your inadequacies, and face your failures as a Mom. The best moms are the moms that say; I have failed a lot and I have no idea how to parent, will you help me?
The definition of a bad mom is the scenario up above. A good mom will admit her real failures readily, but A LOT of moms do “false vulnerability” very well. So, other parents think they’re really vulnerable, but they actually have NO CLUE
no clue what real vulnerability is. These moms do false vulnerability to win the favor of other people in their life, so people will like them because they think “they’re so vulnerable!!!” You see, ever since Brene Brown wrote her books, vulnerability is a new buzz word and if you use it a lot, it will win gain you some popularity points. Also, it’s important to know this about humility. We are NOT good at assessing for ourselves if we are humble or not, only other people in our life can tell us if we are humble.
As parents, we NEED to be role modeling REAL vulnerability and humility with our children in order for them to learn the value of these two things. When a Mom says she is failing, she is role modeling humility for her children. When a husband calls a counseling office and sets up a marriage therapy session, he is role modeling humility, when a husband says; I have no idea how to connect with you emotionally, I have no idea how to tell you that I am not attracted to you anymore? Can we get help to learn how to communicate with each other? He is role modeling humility and honesty and by doing these things He is leading his family well. (ying-yang)
One way to nurture humility is to be honest about your flaws and inadequacies. But I’ll get to that more in my next post because I am getting a little tired around here, so I best be getting into bed. 🙂 But of course, I can’t say good night until I leave you with another 5 ingredients or less gluten free recipe. From now on, I am only going to leave you with recipes that I have made from scratch, no more gimme’s. This recipe is for “cacho” and it consists of only 3 ingredients.
10 Tortilla Chips
10 Slices of Cucumber
Sprinkle mozzarella cheese on each chip (generously) and melt the chips in the microwave for 45 seconds. Take the cucumber slices and put them on top of the cheese after they come out of the microwave.
Refreshing, Delicious, and Ooooh so Cheesy 🙂
All for now,
Kelly Johnson, ma, lpc
I have written 7 office policies that I will be hanging up in my office and also putting into my intake forms. I thought I would share these office policies on my blog as well. All of these changes will be going into effect as of May 1st, 2017. As therapists, counselors, social workers, doctors, and psychiatrists if we ALL joined together and ALL committed to having the same policies, I think we would see an END to the suicide craze in the United States.
Policies of the Aurora Center for Healing and Change
IN 2017, we live in a culture now where “suicidal feelings are often times a conditioned way of thinking when life becomes incredibly incredibly painful and intolerable”. The reality is that in all human history we have not had the problems with suicidal ideation that we have had most recently since the onset of antidepressants. In the 1700’s. 1800’s and 1900’s people RARELY ever heard of the word suicide.
There were NO BOOKS WRITTEN ON THE TOPIC OF SUICIDE. THERE WERE NO SUICIDE HOTLINES IN THIS ERA. THERAPISTS, SCHOOL COUNSELORS, AND PSYCHIATRISTS WERE NOT REQUIRED TO ASK THEIR CLIENTS REGARDING THEIR SUICIDAL THOUGHTS EVERY SESSION if they said they had high depression. (This is not a literal statement, take it with a grain of salt, maybe there was one book, that’s not my point.)
Suicidal rates the last several years have been at all time high. Interestingly enough, people were obviously much happier before antidepressants became in existence because the suicide statistics in those days WERE MUCH LOWER THAN THEY ARE NOW. It is of my belief that antidepressants have created a culture where we are 100% intolerable to emotional pain. If we have a lot of emotional pain, we think we must get medicated to cure our pain. While I will always encourage clients to “follow doctors orders” I do not agree with this philosophy and way of thinking.
© Kelly Johnson, MA, LPC
I’m sure you may be asking; Why am I posting another blog, since I said I would not post a blog for 30 days? Because sometimes I make DUMB DECISIONS and that decision was just a DUMB DECISION. Why? Because writing connects me to my soul, so while I may want accountability in other areas of my life, taking a fast from writing is definitely NOT an area I need accountability in. The truth is we all make DUMB DECISIONS sometimes and if we are going to heal our ego issues, then we NEED TO FREELY ADMIT OUR DUMB DECISIONS. no biggee. 🙂
When we all give up our addiction to image, we will start to be okay with being wrong more, looking stupid sometimes, admitting dumb decisions, and changing our opinion about a topic or about a person when new information comes into existence that is contrary to our old way of thinking. Sadly, in our world, people are not allowed to change their opinion. When people change their mind, it is seen as a sign of weakness, when in reality if you are close companions with humility, you will change your mind sometimes.
Anyways, I will touch on that more in a little bit, but for more important news right now. I have 3 IMPORTANT announcements that I would like to make. Announcement # 1: I will be releasing….
MY FIRST BOOK TITLED; “MENTAL HEALTH SYSTEM ABUSE?” by the END OF THIS WEEK.
The second important announcement that I would like to share is that since I am going to be taking a 30 day fast from blogging, (scratch that statement, read the text above.) I will be spending this blogging time actually publishing some books, which is kind of exciting, so you should see a few of my other books coming out within the next month. My career for the last year has been primarily writing and ticket to work and a lot less counseling, so its due time I finally publish a book.
The 3rd Announcement is completely unrelated to books, however it is Sunday and I just got back from the prayer chapel at the local Catholic Church and it reminded me of the importance of this last announcement.
You see, mental health/emotional health and healthy spirituality are probably my two favorite loves in this world! Probably because, you can not experience one without the other. This is why mental health as we know it, FAILS PEOPLE MOST OF THE TIME.
Why is this?
So in order for psychology to be healthy I believe it needs to join hands with healthy theology. You see, Healthy Psychology can not exist without Healthy Theology and Healthy Theology can not exist without Healthy Psychology. (disclaimer, I’m pretty sure god is an agnostic.)
So with that being said, it is of no surprise that this last blog for the month would have to address both of these LOOOVES of mine. (scratch that last blog statement again.) In my last blog, I talked about the YING YANG CONCEPT and how I believe that healthy spirituality would embrace this concept that Protestantism NEEDS Catholicism and Catholicism NEEDS Protestantism. In closing this blog, I would like to leave you with this sentiment so you can get an idea of what that would maybe look like.
Honestly, I see the sacred blending of the protestant church and the catholic church as a true spiritual match made in heaven. 🙂 However, because of pride and ego, this has not even came close to happening yet. In my dream world, if this did happen, this is what it would look like. True story, it is one of my life goals to start a little church some day, so who’s knows…maybe I could actually see this come to fruition. Here is what this “spiritual match made in heaven” could look like theologically speaking for our churches.
Catholicism- The best of ritual, confession, humility, and sacredness. Meaning; lent, advent, ritual, confession, prayer-beads. (While I dislike confession because of the priesthood concept, I love the general idea of confession. And while I dislike the rosary because the focus is on praying to Mary, I love the IDEA OF PRAYER BEADS THAT LOOK EXACTLY LIKE THE ROSARY WITH AN INFINITY SIGN MAYBE INSTEAD OF A CROSS. 🙂 While some people may not want/need the prayer beads, some people may feel more connected to god through beads. Because prayer beads can be an excellent accountability tool with healing selfishness through praying for others/world. (on your own.) In terms of humility, Catholics are way more humble than most evangelical protestants. If evangelical protestants wanted to work on getting more humility, take a year fast from talking about god.
Protestantism- The best of worship, community, and relatable sermons. I think Protestant churches do worship, community, and sermons much better than catholic churches do. Worship needs to connect to peoples soul and heart. (Many secular sounds however connect to peoples soul even far better than evangelical worship does.) Community needs to be a central priority in church, and sermons need to be preached mostly by people who are also married and have family, because that is over 80% of the population.
However, neither of these church traditions embrace the spiritual practice of SILENCE. I think SILENCE IS ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT THINGS in being able to receive humility, encouragement, and healthy conviction. When we allow ourselves to sit in silence, I believe our god given conscience starts to work like it is designed to work. By the way, I’m not a regular church goer because I cant find a church that is emotionally healthy. Frankly, I think there are more agnostics who are spiritually healthy than devout’s. Why? Because their emotionally honest.
Enough of that, as I am closing out this blog now, I thought I would give you a breakdown of my little books that will be coming out. I say little because my goal is to try and create the shortest self improvement books out there. fyi, I will probably change some of the names because I am a little bit of a book name snob.
*******ALL BOOKS, TITLES, MATERIALS, AND BLOGS ARE: Copyrighted By Kelly Johnson, MA, LPC. April, 2017 unless otherwise noted. *******
Wow, I think this blog was one of my most disjointed blogs in that we talked about EVERYTHING in this blog. Anywho, here is another 5 ingredient or less recipe as well for ONE ingredient ice cream.
All for now~
Kelly Johnson, MA, LPC
P.S- We all need to learn to stop judging people, I think we are all addicted to judging people. Just because I wrote, “god” and god given conscience” and not “God” and God given conscience” does not mean that I harbor any less respect for Yahweh. You see, I did that on purpose, the Lord judges the heart, man judges outward appearances.
I am sure you have clearly seen by now that I am a little bit of a Patch Adams sort in terms of Mental Health. I am bound to get in trouble, because my beliefs are “controversial” and here I am out in the open saying; “I don’t believe in disorders” among MANY MANY other things. However, I think its fair to say that Patch Adams had something to teach all of us about health care and likewise maybe I have something to teach you about mental health care. I would rather be faithful to my own soul and put myself out on a limb and risk “getting into trouble.” vs. being unfaithful to my own soul. I am well aware of ALL OF THE RISKS THAT I AM TAKING BY EXPRESSING MY THOUGHTS SO FREELY ON THIS BLOG, and I am becoming comfortable with each of these risks, because every time I take a risk and share something that may be “controversial” I am taking a step closer towards integrity.
As Mental Health Clinicans, because we are so busy burring our heads in the DSM, we are failing to notice that
drum role please……
Why is that?
Because Music does NOT diagnose people with disorders. Music talks about deep pain, belonging, insecurity, love, jealousy, inadequacy, shame, and relationships.
Music can be 100% emotionally honest and raw regarding life experiences. Music talks about every aspect of LIFE and music makes no mention of the dsm, diagnoses, disorders, etc. For this reason, music connects to people’s soul I believe far better than most therapies do.
However, on the flip side of the coin, music does not confront people, and its fair to say that any good therapist will confront their client when needed.
Nonetheless, I think as therapists, we have a lot to learn from some music artists and we need to be listening to emotionally raw music that is honest about all emotions and asking ourselves how can I create a therapy experience for my client where they will feel comfortable sharing with me all of these emotions?
So, if we are wanting to become more effective as a Therapist I think we need to do a couple things. First off, I think we need to put down our DSM and all of our training books for a little while and instead create a type of therapy experience for our clients where our clients feel comfortable sharing their real stories of deep pain, deep hurt, lies, secrets, intense sorrow, insecurity, love, jealousy, inadequacy, shame, and happiness with us. You see, therapy is not effective UNTIL WE CREATE A TYPE OF THERAPY EXPERIENCE FOR OUR CLIENTS WHERE PEOPLE CAN BE 100% HONEST ABOUT everything in their life; their pain, lies, secrets, etc. People need to be able to feel comfortable sharing ALL THE PARTS OF THEIR SOUL WITH US where their not going to be afraid that if they share these emotions with us that we will DIAGNOSE THEM WITH A DISORDER.
HEAR ME LOUD AND CLEAR, I BELIEVE THIS IS MENTAL HEALTH SYSTEM ABUSE. I think if we were are going to be doing therapy with how therapy is designed to be done, people will find therapy much more popular than music or just as popular as music.
Secondly, if I had to pick one therapeutic modality that really connected with people’s soul, it would be; Schema Therapy, hands down. You see, for most people who are battling Depression and Anxiety, their Depression and Anxiety was created because of family of origin wounds. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy alone, does not get at the root of our wounds and hurts that are creating Depression and Anxiety like Schema Therapy does. With Schema Therapy they combine the best elements of CBT with also having an appreciation and awareness of how Family of Origin Wounds work. While I do think that Schema Therapy is missing a couple key elements in their schema’s (there is not one schema labeled narcissism.) I do believe it is the BEST FORM OF THERAPY OUR THERE that really gets at the root of peoples problems, etc. What are your thoughts on what I have shared? I welcome all feedback. 🙂
As I am bringing a close to this blog post, I would like to share a song play list with you I created called Soul Music on Spotify, I hope you enjoy it.
Kelly Johnson, MA,
It is my belief that in first world countries we are raising children that are struggling a lot with being spoiled and entitled. Furthermore, it is of my belief that over 75% of our children in first world countries struggle with narcissism, entitlement, and spoilededness, unlike most other children from 1st world countries. Because of this belief, I have created the following; 12 Secrets for Saving our Children from being S-P-O-I-L-E-D.
It is also of my belief that we have created a culture where parents can not take parenting advice to save their life. It is CRAZY MAKING TO ME, that we are diagnosing our children with all of these disorders such as attention deficit disorder, sensory processing disorder, oppositional defiant disorder, conduct disorder, anxiety, depression, etc. BUT I DONT THINK THERE IS ONE DIAGNOSIS IN THE WHOLE DSM TO ADDRESS PARENTING PROBLEMS. Frankly, I think 9 times out of 10, when a child is diagnosed with any of the above disorders, the root of the problem is found within ineffective parenting. I think the # 1 trait in a good parent is HUMILITY. I hope you enjoy this article and feel free to share it with friends and family. As always, all errors in this article are done on purpose to heal us from that stupid perfectionism stronghold.
12 Secrets for Saving Our Children from Being S-P-O-I-L-E-D.
2. Children should never be born into wealth, this creates entitlement, selfishness, spoiledness, and narcissism. Wealth should only be accumulated from hard work. Therefore, if you are wealthy, protect your children from thinking their wealthy. It is imperative that we teach our children the value of frugality and enjoying the simple things in life. How can we do this? Try some of my suggestions.
3. Try just shopping at Thrift Stores or Walmart for a year. On birthdays, just buy one gift for your child under $30 or a couple smaller gifts. On holidays, instead of buying gifts, maybe try doing charitable acts to bless others. Also, each of our children have been given the GIFT OF LIFE. Because of this gift, we should try to make birthday’s more balanced and less “about me.” by taking turns each year with celebrating birthday’s with creating a special memory or giving a gift and then the next year celebrate the birthday by helping your kiddo be a GIFT to someone else by participating in an act of service in the community. e.g, visiting nursing homes, playing bingo with elderly, visiting people who are sick, etc. Hmm, this makes me realize that there are NOT ENOUGH PLACES WHERE KIDDOS/FAMILIES CAN VOLUNTEER AT.
4. Enjoy the FRUGAL THINGS in life; fishing, hiking, board games, tenting, dancing, boating, neighborhood parties, swimming, drawing, painting, music, free concerts, river-walking, camping, cooking at home, mini road trips, etc.
We’ll all for now, I am done writing for the evening, have a good night. No more recipes, one recipe for the day is enough. 🙂
Kelly Johnson, MA, LPC
DISCLAIMER : All of my blogs for the last 6 months and all of my future blogs are going to be written in rough draft form only to help save us all from that man made perfectionism thing. 🙂 (or just me!)
The Earth Shattering Startling Truth is that the Gentleman is on the brinks of extinction.
What did I just say?
The Earth Shattering Startling Truth is that the Gentleman is on the brinks of extinction.
one more time…..
For every 10 women of character and integrity that I can find, I can probably only find 1 man of character and integrity. This may sound 100% jaded or biased, however it is not, sadly it is just the reality of the world we live in today. The reason why this is so is because of premature sexual intimacy in relationships. People think that if you are an advocate for abstinence until marriage that you are conservative or narrow minded and this belief could not be farther from the truth. The truth of the matter is a WOMANS’ VIRGINITY IS THE MOST POWERFUL TOOL KNOWN TO MANKIND TO TRANSFORM AND EVOLVE THE MALE GENDER INTO BECOMING A GENTLEMAN. If there is ONE THING in all of the world and in all of human history that can turn a man into a gentleman, IT IS A WOMENS’ VIRGINITY.
Hear me loud and clear, I am not even an advocate of professing that a couple must wait until they are married, frankly I think this belief causing many other problems, because this belief just creates PREMATURE ENGAGEMENTS AND MARRIAGES and hence the divorce rates are just as HIGH in the church as they are outside of the church. People should not be getting married simply because they want to have sex, this is horrible theology. When we are preaching no sex before marriage we are simply setting people up for failure because people are not taking the necessary time to get to know each other, court each other, and build a healthy relationship before marriage, BECAUSE they are just getting married so they can do the deed. Because of this, I think that marriage needs to be out of the discussion when we are talking about Chasity and Virginity, we need to be smarter than this. We need to be teaching our young women and men the values of Chasity, Modesty, Virginity, and Masturbation as the four greatest tools known to mankind that if practiced can ensure that we will rescue the Gentleman from Extinction foremost and secondly we will be creating marriages and relationships that are 100X better, healthier, and simply more amazing. What do I mean by this?
Men are driven by their sexual desires more than women, men are biologically speaking wired to lust after their women. In order for all men to become gentleman we need to be teaching our young women and men (16+) the values of Chasity, Modesty, Virginity, and Masturbation. I believe sexuality education needs to be a part of our school education.
(In regards to education, we can not assume that parents are teaching children anything. You know what assuming does, it makes an ASS out of You and Me. 🙂 As educators we need to take education into our own hands and create an education where every child is able to be successful in life even if they had horrible parents that did not teach them one thing.)
Chasity- We teach our Young Men that they must wait 2 years of being in a relationship (FOR THE FIRST TIME) to make love to their woman. We need to be teaching our men and women what it means to “fall in love.” Love is not as mystified as we make it out to be, “falling in love” is a real thing and we need to be teaching our young women and men how to have discernment in this way. This two year period is not about stupid rules, legalism, conservatisism, frankly I’m not a fan of any of those things. This Rule would completely change the male gender for all human history and it would turn all men into a gentleman.
Modesty- We need to teach our women how to dress modestly, yet beautifully. By doing this we are teaching our women how to show honor to men and not cause men to stumble in the physical area. If you want a man to get to know your brain, dress in a way where he will be more attracted to your brain at first. There is a kindergarten teacher at my daughters school who embodies the definition of modesty and beauty, she always dresses in a way that is classy, yet chic and modest.
Masterbation- Masterbation I think was given to human beings as a gift to help men and women maintain their virginity and Chasity until the right time. We should never be teaching that masturbation is wrong or sinful, this is SO FAR FROM THE TRUTH! Women have so much shame around masturbation and it is very sad. Masturbation is a God-given right and all men and woman can and need to learn how to masturbate. If a women masturbates when she needs to, she will be much more likely to remain pure in her relationships and not give herself away sexually before her man has completed his gentleman training. The truth is Chasity and Abstinence creates character, the longer you wait, the more your man will grow in character.
I feel SO PASSIONATE ABOUT THIS, IF I HAD THE RESOURCES, I WOULD LOVE TO CREATE A WORLD WIDE MOVEMENT WHERE I CAN EMPOWER TEENAGERS TO MAKE A COMMITMENT TO MAINTAINING their Virginity for 2 years after they fall in love for the first time. You see, if we as women can form a sisterhood with each other and if we as women can make a commitment to each other to all value and make a commitment to maintain our virginity for 2 years after we fall in love, then we will be 100% turning the tides and saving our men from extinction by turning them into gentleman in the process.
But the truth of the matter is, the power of virginity will only work if we form a sisterhood as women and all commit together to upholding it. If only one woman commits to virginity, the man will scoff and say, “we’ll I’ll just go on to the next.” In our world today, the truth is that most women will have sex with a man after 4-6 dates. However, if we created a movement where there was no break in the chain, where every women made a commitment to maintaining their virginity for 2 years from the time they fell in love, then our men would have to evolve and become men of integrity and character that have to learn how to woe, court, and date a woman. (instead of just shrugging their shoulders and saying, “we’ll I’ll just get it from the next, there are plenty other fish in the sea who will sleep with me!”
The Power of Virginity and Chasity is designed primarily for young women and men from the ages of 16-25. As an adult, relationships are different and if men and women did their Chasity training in their younger years, they would not need to follow those same rules in their older years. Chasity and Saving your virginity are primarily tools given to teenagers and young women and men in their early to mid 20’s to help them evolve into Women and Men of Virtue, Character, and Integrity.
Anyways, I’m signing off here!
Have an “alright” night. 🙂
Kelly Johnson, MA, LPC
P.S-I think if we took the word “good” out of the dictionary. It would actually mean that we would have to give more emotionally honest answers when someone says; how are you? We could say; marginal, functioning, I’m alright, I’m decent, I’m miserable, I’m delighted, etc. what A B-R-E-A-T-H O-F F-R-E-S-H A-I-R.
This is my last blog post in this three part Narcissism Series. In closing out this series, I would like to leave you with a tool that will be helpful for you in understanding Narcissism in yourself and others. There is probably no better way to explain Narcissism than to examine the Emotional Safety Spectrum. The Emotional Safety Spectrum is a worksheet that I have created to help people understand Emotional Safety and Narcissism.
Here is a little history about this worksheet that I created. I received a document that looked similar to the Emotional Safety Spectrum from a friend of mine who is also in private practice, however the original document did not have any identifying information on it to who wrote it and there was no copyright date, so I can not give credit to the person who wrote the original document. However, if someone lets me know where the original document came from, I will happily and promptly give that person the credit they deserve. 🙂 So, I took the original document and added some traits to it to create the Emotional Safety Spectrum Worksheet that I use with clients.
One easy way to start healing your own Narcissism is to make a habit of NURTURING HUMILITY. Humility in human beings is BEAUTIFUL and it is designed to be nurtured. One way that you can nurture your humility is to print off this sheet and put it on your refrigerator. Anytime that you see yourself exhibit one of the emotionally unsafe traits on the list, give yourself grace, acknowledge it with the person you hurt and by doing this you are making it right. 🙂
So, without further ado, here is the Emotional Safety Spectrum. FYI, Any therapists, counselors, etc. are more than welcome to use this worksheet and change it up as you see fit to better help your respective patients and clients.
Emotional Safety Spectrum
|Unhealthy Narcissism/Unsafe People:
Have it all together instead of admitting their weaknesses.
Defensive instead of open to feedback.
Self-righteous instead of humble.
Apologize instead of changing my behavior.
Avoid my problems instead of dealing with them, does not think that I sin.
Demand trust, instead of earning it.
Believe I am close to perfect instead of admitting faults.
Blame others instead of taking responsibility. (manipulation/guilt-tripping)
Lie instead of being honest.
Are stagnant instead of growing.
Avoid closeness instead of connecting.
Are only concerned about “I” instead of “we” (not relationship centered)
Resist freedom instead of encouraging it.
Condemn us instead of forgiving us.
Stay in parent/child roles (Preaching vs. dialoging)
Are unstable over time instead of being consistent.
Are a negative influence on us, rather than a positive one.
Gossip instead of keeping our confidences.
Will not apologize, but will justify behavior.
Will talk too much and not ask questions(no empathy)
Verbal Abusive Patterns such as; discounting, demeaning, saying I’m crazy, I’m too sensitive, mean jokes, name-calling ,anger outbursts, )
|Healthy Narcissism/Safe People:
Expresses vulnerability by admitting weaknesses
Takes Constructive feedback and freely talks about sins.
Humility with Self Confidence
Change Behavior and Apologize
Actively work on my problems
Earn trust, not demand it.
Humility and Vulnerability
Takes full responsibility for mistakes and unhealthy choices
Practices honesty (or if someone lies they would immediately admit it afterwards through nurturing humility.)
Constantly growing and learning
Concerned about We and I.
Encourages freedom vs. Controlling
Forgives us vs. Condemns us. (no holding grudges)
Relate as co-equals
Positive influence on us over all
Keeping our confidences
Apologize freely and often when need to.
Will ask questions and show concern for other person. (empathy)
Encourages, Uplifts, Speaks Truth, Holds us Accountable, and Believes in us.
Here is another Gluten Free Five Ingredient or Less Recipe, this recipe is for Cauliflower Fried Rice…. Hmm Hmm Good!
Kelly Johnson, MA, LPC
Here is my Part II to understanding Narcissism. The reason why I am breaking this up in three parts is because narcissism is the ONE THING THAT PROBABLY EVERY ONE HAS ON SOME LEVEL OR ANOTHER AND NO ONE GETS THERAPY FOR. 🙂 So, we need a lot of information on what Narcissism is and how we can heal ourselves from Narcissism. Narcissism and Perfectionism are closely related, but are not the exact same thing, but for simplicity purposes, I am just going to use Narcissism in this blog, however if you struggle with perfectionism you may as well benefit from learning more about narcissism.
Narcissism is a wound and/or a trait and if we developed this trait in childhood it is because we either received “too much praise and no accountability” in our childhood or “not enough praise and too much criticism” in our childhood. I am using the word “praise” in substitution for the word “love.” Because too much praise is actually poison for our children, and it should never be disguised as love.
However, I would probably say that its fair to say that a lot of people did not pick up Narcissism in their childhood, but rather picked up Narcissism as an adult. As an adult, if someone does not receive healthy love in their life for a long period of time, they will naturally become narcissistic. Narcissism is mostly caused in adults because over 90% of adults live lives where there is little accountability, discipline, and correction in their life. You see, we all need way more accountability in our life in order for us to remain healthy emotionally and mentally. If someone lives their adult life unaccountable, they will naturally become narcissistic.
In our jobs, careers, churches, schools, government, etc, there needs to be way more accountability, correction, structure, and checks and balances. All of this is lacking SO MUCH and because of this we are all narcissistic and feel defensive and upset when anyone calls us out and/or expects anything from us. Truthfully, we all need to save ourselves from our own narcissism.
What is Narcissism? Narcissism is complicated, I have came up with 7 forms of Narcissism, but there are probably many more as well. Covert Narcissism, Spiritual/Religious Narcissism, Overt Narcissism, Perfectionism, Career Narcissism, Mental Health Clinicians’ Narcissism, and Parenting Narcissism.
Covert Narcissism is much harder to treat because no one else can see it, except the spouse of the covert narcissist. Overt Narcissism needs no explanation and most narcissistic books are written about this type of narcissism. Perfectionism is the belief that you need things to be perfect, which is just a different flavor of narcissism. Career Narcissism is where someone can develop Narcissism because of their career, because they may be excellent at their particular job.
with career narcissism its really important to realize that while you may be excellent at your particular job, do not let this narcissism bleed over into other parts of your life. In order to keep your career narcissism in check, you need to know how to yield and submit to other people in their positions of authority who are experts at their particular field. Frankly, the word expert and specialist can also create more narcissism. Now, let me talk about this last type of Narcissism, this is a phrase that I made up on my own and its called; “Mental Health Clinicians Narcissism”. Anyone in the Mental Health field is especially prone to developing “Mental Health Clinicians Narcissism” because we think that we can solve everybody’s problems. We are so proud of our degrees, trainings, specializations, awards, credentials, etc. and because we are so busy trying to build our repertoire of skills, we are failing to notice that WE ARE NOT PROVIDING EFFECTIVE THERAPY FOR OUR CLIENTS. If we were providing effective therapy for our clients we would be seeing far less addictions, affairs, divorces, and suicides.
But the truth of the matter is, all of these are at an all time high in our world. Something is not right. If we are going to heal our “Mental Health Clinicians Narcissism” we will start asking more questions, soliciting real feedback, letting our clients talk about deep pain, hurt, rejection, jealousy, pain, insecurity, etc. without instilling a fear in our clients that if they talk about these things that we will be diagnosing them with a slue of disorders. Truthfully, music is far better at doing therapy than most therapists are at doing therapy, because music does not diagnose people, music lets people talks about hurt, pain, insecurity, etc, without instilling a fear into people that talking about those such things will equal a diagnosis of a disorder. This is what I would call “Mental Health System Abuse.”
The next type of Narcissism that I would like to touch on is Spiritual/Religious Narcissism. If you struggle with spiritual narcissism, you may feel that you are “better off spiritually” because you go to church 7 days a week, but you fail to notice that your frequent church going just creates ugly self-righteousness and this “holier than though” syndrome. However, there are also a handful of people that go to church every day and are the most humble people around. If you struggle with spiritual narcissism you may also use spiritual language as a way to overcompensate for feelings of insecurity and inferiority. You may talk a lot about God, faith, spirituality, or use the word “Lord this” and “Lord that” like you are talking about your best friend. This type of language creates superiority where you feel like you are better than other people because you have a “closer relationship” with the Lord because you talk about god like he/she is your pet or sister. People around you who do not talk about God in that manner are made to feel less then because they don’t talk about Yahweh in that manner. If you do this, in reality, you are simply using spiritual language to foster your own sense of self and ego as an overcompensation for insecurity.
Evangelical Christians struggle with this sin a lot, way more than other denominations/religions in my opinion. I went to an Evangelical Christian University in which I loooooved for many reasons and disliked for just as many other reasons. But there was a sense among the campus that the men who used the most “lords” in a sentence were the most spiritual ones, it was and is 100% non-sense. Catholics typically have much more humility in this arena and protestants have a lot to learn from Catholics in this way. But nuns and priests struggle with spiritual narcissism as well because they think they have a closer relationship with God because their a priest/nun. Also, I think the wardrobes that priests and nuns wear probably also foster a little spiritual narcissism, etc.
The reality is, when most people are talking about God, they are talking about God to bolster their own ego. Because of this reason, we can not judge somebody else’s faith by their words, only Yahweh knows someone’s heart. When someone has a genuine faith, they talk very little about their faith, (unless their a rabbi or teacher of religion.) because their faith is simply lived by their life. For this reason, I think many non-religious people and agnostics have a much more pure faith than the so called devouts do.
Spiritual Narcissism is an entity all to itself and there has not been many books, research, etc, done on this area, up until recently. Because I am a Therapist by trade and I love learning about all aspects of human behavior and because narcissism is one of my most favorite topics to treat, I have developed a special liking for treating and understanding all forms of Narcissism, including Spiritual Narcissism. Additionally, because I went to an Evangelical Christian College, I saw spiritual Narcissism in its fullest colors, however I did not realize it was Spiritual Narcissism until 6 years after I graduated from there and I started studying Narcissism.
Parenting Narcissism is the last type of Narcissism that I would like to talk about. Parenting Narcissism is a type of Narcissism where parents are narcissically blinded to their own childs’ faults and issues and because of this bias and blind spot they can not parent effectively. Parents that have Parenting Narcissism are typically parents who will be more apt to point out flaws in other parents and talk negatively about other parents, but fail to see their own flaws. Another trait of Parenting Narcissism is that these parents think their children are so much better off than they actually are. Behind their parents back, the child may be manipulating, lying, cheating, bullying kids, and doing other activities such as these and the parents are blind to all or some of these activities going on
Well, this post is getting long enough so I am going to break this post up a bit. In my next post I will be finishing up this Narcissism series with providing you with a worksheet that you can use as a tool to help you heal your own narcissism called the Emotional Safety Spectrum.
Goodbye for now 🙂
Kelly Johnson, MA, LPC
I have created a new concept called the; “Ying Yang Effect” and everything in life I see through this Ying Yang Effect. In terms of politics, religion, parenting styles, etc. I do not see it like the world sees is as two opposing sides with opposing views, rather I see it as each side represents an important part of the “Ying Yang Effect” and both parts of the Ying Yang effect create Balance. Let me explain it to you;
Liberals Need Conservatives & Conservatives Need Liberals
Protestant’s Need Catholics & Catholics Need Protestants
Agnostics Need Believers and Believers Need Agnostics
Democrats Need Republicans & Republicans Need Democrats
Attachment Style Parenting Folks NEED to learn from Baby Wise Style Parenting folks & like wise Baby Wise Parenting folks NEED to learn from Attachment Style Parenting.
This analogy is true in SO MANY WAYS, here are just the first 5 that came to my head. In my next blog, I will get back to talking about; “How to Heal from Narcissism and Perfectionism.” 🙂 Before I forget, here is a recipe for delicious 3 ingredient Popsicles!
Kelly Johnson, MA, LPC